KENDRA VS. THE VOLCANO

My boss just shot me with a staple gun. It’s beginning to look like one of those kinds of weekends already and the work day isn’t even over yet.

I drank so much coffee today that I’m afraid if I look at something too hard, espresso beans are going to shoot rapid fire out of my eyes like a Colombian machine gun.

People think I’m joking when I say I nearly knocked out a baby with a champagne cork on the weekend.

The scratches on my stomach are telling me two things: I forgot to take the tag off my underwear and I am also wearing them inside out.

I was wondering where that was

Apparently I sold my soul in high school because I just got it in the mail from a high school friend with a note that says, “I thought you might need this back.”

“Don’t move. I just want to pull on your eyelid to see if it makes a popping noise when it comes away from your eye.”

-Quotes from my boss

Everyone should have the opportunity to start a day by finding titty cards in the coffee machine, and be given a personalized tshirt with a unicorn and a piece of cheese on it.

Easing into the work week after vacation is exponentially easier when someone starts your day with a surprise titty card treasure hunt in the office.

The best place to have an in depth conversation about dildos via text is in a packed van surrounded by old people